A letter to my babies.
Dear babies,
As I write this, I do not know that I will ever get to meet you. I'm not dating, let alone married. I have a sincere hope that I will one day get to hold you and love you, and at the same time, I worry that I could never be a proper mama to you... I want to live sold-out to Jesus, and I worry that I will leave you neglected and broken. I released my best friend, a precious man with whom I fell in love, because Daddy told me to. I lean into the pain of it and rage and weep, but I am obedient. So what if He tells me to walk away from you? You, my flesh, my blood, my heart walking outside my body? What then? Or what happens when He calls you to love His people, away from a place and space where I can see you and call you 'safe'?
The only answer is to trust Him with you.
(And honestly? It is a fight, on this, and so many other things.)
I have to trust Him. Now, while you are dreams and whispers, and then when you are a wriggling bundle of newlife in my arms, and then when you are grown and can run wild and Spirit-filled into the world to be salt and light and love.
The only way to not get hurt is to numb your heart and not feel at all, and I am too far gone along this openhearted journey for that. I practise my Mummalove on those around me who need it, about whom Daddy whispers to me and asks me to be His hands and feet and arms. I nurture and protect and fight and pray and speak His truth where I can, and I wait breathless for the day when I can tell you about Him. I wait, and I pray. Always, I pray.
With love, and a heart that aches to know you,
Your Mumma-to-be
xx
linked with the lovely Sarah for the 'Practices of Parenting' Carnival
So beautiful with an ache and the edge of hope and faith to it. Thank you for this.
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