I don't think I know what is saving my life... But maybe if I try and say-it-hot, write-it-hot, I'll find out. I often don't know what I'm thinking until I write it, but I rarely allow myself the grace and space to do that. No wonder I don't know what's going on.
I know what is trying to kill me, though. My uncle with terminal cancer, my friend who just had a miscarriage (my first godchild), the sometimes-feeling that no one would notice if I just slipped away, the ongoing battle to love food, to love my body (I couldn't write a love letter for a different synchroblog last week), the selfish, hurting little voice that wants to know when is it my turn? as more and more friends get married, have babies, apply to be foster parents, while I'm still just a rootless intern.
There's the holy discontent of a life lived with more than enough, when so many have so, so little. This one got under my skin to the point that I was close to ditching everything and getting on the first flight to South Africa and going to Durban, to Amaoti, and finding the tinies who need to be loved. I just want to go, and to do something, and go to the places my spirit knows so well while my physical bones don't know them at all. But Abba, my Daddy, whispered balm to my soul.
Not yet, little one. Not yet.
And then I got to pray for people. I got to watch as Holy Spirit brought them freedom. And then I got to have the kind of conversations where I can speak the words that come like fire to bring life and healing and hope, His words, His Spirit, my beautiful Jesus. There is life there, because He is the source of life in all its fullness. Tomorrow morning, I leave for week A of the festivals, and it feels like no surprise that I'm serving on the enabling team. We'll be there to pray, and to help the young people pray, and to teach them how to minister in Holy Spirit's power. So much life and fun and coming-freedom.
He is saving my life. His voice is my lifeline.
linked with Sarah Bessey for a synchroblog - what is saving your life right now?
