I read today that depression empties you, and renders you unable to absorb that which will satisfy. And that feels true, especially of today. I chose today as a rest day, a precious day off, and it has been grey and unsatisfying. No rest, just... Emptiness. I cleaned the house, contemplated some laundry, had a small theological discussion on my doorstep when two Jehovah's Witnesses came a-calling. There is a hollowness to today, and it creates an ache and hollows out my bones until all the strength is gone.
There is a paradox here, though. Because also? I pray for emptiness. That there would be less of me, less of my desires and the things that cannot satisfy, and more of Him. Of His love, His mercy, His heart for this world. I want to empty my life of the things that do not satisfy, and make room for more of Him. I must become less so that He can become more. Marriage and babies have often captivated my thoughtlife, but this week, heavy with revelation, has seen me lay that down. I can get married or I can not [regardless of the fact it often feels like it's not possible] but the point of my life is to bring freedom for the captives, cast out demons, heal the sick and raise the dead. That is what I am for, He is what I am for, and He is well worth being empty for.
five minutes, no editing
linked up with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama
oh, how I feel those days. days that seem to echo with your footsteps. yes, to be empty to the parts of humanity that consume us, and leave only what truly can be filled.
ReplyDeleteEloquently said. Visiting today from Five Minute Friday and I can tell you that I have lived very similar seasons. There is strength to be found in putting words to our feelings and you've done it oh so well. Prayers for you, friend.
ReplyDeleteI am touched by your blog today. Your yearning to empty yourself out for Jesus. Depression can rob us of life. I know that first hand. Yet when we belong to Christ, He takes every bit of those hard days, confusing days, and spins them into good things that we may see later or later in in God's kingdom. As Christians, God's got our back at all times. I recently spent an entire Saturday re-surrendering, re-dedicating my devotion to Jesus. I told Him that my lifestyle was ridiculous at this point, and I wanted to empty myself (which I did after hours of struggle) and asked Him to start over with me. Nothing miraculous has happened yet, I don't expect that, but I know He is dealing with me in love. Thanks for your blog. Awesome!
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