Blogging after midnight because I have no peace and God sent me to my laptop. I was ready for bed hours ago, but He is keeping me awake. This is a novel turn of events - in the past, I have been in the place of desperate longing for sleep but being consistently either awake or in the grip of nightmares. Now, I would like to go to sleep, am indeed almost sleep-walking my days in the weariness that comes from a mind too busy. Too busy? That might be a lie. There is a lot that I am processing in terms of Jesus and His call and what it looks like to try to be more like Him and fall more in love with Him. The thoughts are timely ones, God-stirred I believe, so that makes a lie of the 'too busy.'
I am considering what it means to lose my life for His sake, in all its various meanings. If my literal death could lead others to Jesus, then so be it. But embracing that within the safety of this internship, this harbour, seems... Disconnected? Unreal? It creates a restlessness and a hunger for more of Him and His Kingdom and His love that there doesn't seem to be scope for in this season - this season to which I believe He called me, this place in which I believe He placed me. There is tension there, and that is not a comfortable place to be. Maybe if I stop fighting the tension of it and lean into it all that is coming will be birthed easier. Maybe I am supposed to be safe in this season? Maybe I need to stop and see what He is doing in the now, listen to Him in the quiet and hear from Him on what needs to be held in my heart for the future, and what I actually ought to be wrestling with in the now.
edited to add this:
My Daddy is so good. He tweaks and pulls the chords of memory and leads back here...
'Lean into the pain. Stay there in the questions, in the doubts, in the wonderings and loneliness, the tension of now-and-not-yet until you are satisfied that God is there, too. You will not find your answers by ignoring, by living a life of intellectual or spiritual dishonesty. Your fear will try to hold you back, your tension will increase, the pain will become intense and it will be tempting to keep clinging tight. So be gentle with yourself. Be gentle. Lean in. Stay there. And then the release will come.'
From Sarah Bessey, at deeper story.
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