Single

This might be a bit rambly, but there are thoughts I need to get out of my head so I might just write for a bit whilst I'm waiting for my laptop to finish charging the last 1% so that I can unplug the thing and put it all away and go to bed without worrying about accidentally setting us all on fire and killing us all as we sleep. By this time of night, my logic-filter is all but asleep so accidental fire becomes a genuine fear, and it seems more sensible to sit here on the sofa and type than to actually go to bed and sleep.


I have been feeling for a while now that something is missing. For a while, it felt like my husband was missing and I should have met him by now. That feeling went away for a while, but recently it has come a-creeping back whilst I have been steadfastly trying to ignore it. It seems like sin to believe that Daddy is not enough for me. I get lonely and have such a longing for a best friend, and to admit out loud that I'm not having that need met by Jesus has been a shade too vulnerable. I've not wanted to admit it even to myself. Today, however, I had a chat with one of the wisest women I have had the fortune to meet. We teased out how I think about God; more specifically, how I relate to the three persons of the Godhead. We established that I have a chatty and beautiful relationship with God the Father - I love how I can run to Him with anything, big or small, and know that in Him, I am safe. I have a LOT of fun with God the Holy Spirit - the gifts He brings to my life are a wonder and a blessing. Moving in the prophetic, praying for healing, seeing people be set free as I invite Him to move... I love those things. Completely and utterly. But where does Jesus fit in to that? On an intellectual level, I know who He is and what He did and what that means. 


[At least, I know in some measure. I'm still learning and learning and I thirst for knowledge, but the more I learn, the more I realise I don't know.]


I know that Jesus is redeemer and friend, Lord and King of my life, prince of peace, and the most perfect man to ever walk the earth. He was and is entirely human and entirely God and He became the perfect sacrifice. I know that in His name, there is freedom. Against Him, nothing can stand. And yet, I do not have a relationship with Him. I love Him completely, but I have somehow placed Him in a box. And that is why I am lonely. There are challenges with people and community, yes. And yes, I have a longing for a husband and children. But the heart-deep ache that characterises the days I am walking is not about singleness. It is about missing Him. I am in love with Him without really knowing who He is. Without really understanding that He loves me. Relationship with Daddy and Holy Spirit is not enough, for no one can get to the Father except through Jesus. 


The wise woman with whom I spoke today told me that it would be a tragedy for me to have a man in my life in this particular season. This season is for Jesus and me, and He is calling me. That is the call I must heed, and He is the one on whom I must focus. This year of Soul61 is a unique one, and the focus must be on Him. The rest will come. 


linked with Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary