Blogging after midnight because I have no peace and God sent me to my laptop. I was ready for bed hours ago, but He is keeping me awake. This is a novel turn of events - in the past, I have been in the place of desperate longing for sleep but being consistently either awake or in the grip of nightmares. Now, I would like to go to sleep, am indeed almost sleep-walking my days in the weariness that comes from a mind too busy. Too busy? That might be a lie. There is a lot that I am processing in terms of Jesus and His call and what it looks like to try to be more like Him and fall more in love with Him. The thoughts are timely ones, God-stirred I believe, so that makes a lie of the 'too busy.'
I am considering what it means to lose my life for His sake, in all its various meanings. If my literal death could lead others to Jesus, then so be it. But embracing that within the safety of this internship, this harbour, seems... Disconnected? Unreal? It creates a restlessness and a hunger for more of Him and His Kingdom and His love that there doesn't seem to be scope for in this season - this season to which I believe He called me, this place in which I believe He placed me. There is tension there, and that is not a comfortable place to be. Maybe if I stop fighting the tension of it and lean into it all that is coming will be birthed easier. Maybe I am supposed to be safe in this season? Maybe I need to stop and see what He is doing in the now, listen to Him in the quiet and hear from Him on what needs to be held in my heart for the future, and what I actually ought to be wrestling with in the now.
edited to add this:
My Daddy is so good. He tweaks and pulls the chords of memory and leads back here...
'Lean into the pain. Stay there in the questions, in the doubts, in the wonderings and loneliness, the tension of now-and-not-yet until you are satisfied that God is there, too. You will not find your answers by ignoring, by living a life of intellectual or spiritual dishonesty. Your fear will try to hold you back, your tension will increase, the pain will become intense and it will be tempting to keep clinging tight. So be gentle with yourself. Be gentle. Lean in. Stay there. And then the release will come.'
From Sarah Bessey, at deeper story.
I have wanderlust or itchy feet or I'm just plain uncomfortable in my skin right now.
My life feels too comfortable, too safe, inert.
I walk to church, I walk to placement, I walk home. So little change.
And in the midst of all that, God is busy healing me up and sifting out the crap and answering the crazy prayers I pray, and so I continue to wait. Wait on Him. Wait on the fulfilment of the words that He has spoken, and try to enjoy the today and not get caught in the worry of tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but robs today of its strength and its joy (said someone.) I have to trust that I have done right and am doing right, for I have tried and continue to try to move in obedience to His will and His words.
I just want to go and do something. I am reading Jackie Pullinger's Chasing the Dragon and I hear about incredible people all over the world doing incredible things for the Kingdom and I want to go and do something for the God I love so much. But apparently the time is not yet. I watch and wait and pray.
I read today that depression empties you, and renders you unable to absorb that which will satisfy. And that feels true, especially of today. I chose today as a rest day, a precious day off, and it has been grey and unsatisfying. No rest, just... Emptiness. I cleaned the house, contemplated some laundry, had a small theological discussion on my doorstep when two Jehovah's Witnesses came a-calling. There is a hollowness to today, and it creates an ache and hollows out my bones until all the strength is gone.
There is a paradox here, though. Because also? I pray for emptiness. That there would be less of me, less of my desires and the things that cannot satisfy, and more of Him. Of His love, His mercy, His heart for this world. I want to empty my life of the things that do not satisfy, and make room for more of Him. I must become less so that He can become more. Marriage and babies have often captivated my thoughtlife, but this week, heavy with revelation, has seen me lay that down. I can get married or I can not [regardless of the fact it often feels like it's not possible] but the point of my life is to bring freedom for the captives, cast out demons, heal the sick and raise the dead. That is what I am for, He is what I am for, and He is well worth being empty for.
five minutes, no editing
linked up with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama
I found a lie. And it was a sneaky one too. I was chatting to Daddy about Jesus about what I was processing the other day, and I came up against a particularly ugly realisation. I had put Jesus in a box and stopped talking to Him, because I had somehow started believing that He didn't love me. That I was just too unworthy for Him to remotely care about. I could believe that He chose to die for the whole world, but excluded myself from that. I realised that I had taken the evidence of the everyday, where I was (am?) feeling lonely and isolated and translated that onto the King of the Universe. Using experience of the world and using that to define God is never going to take you to a place of freedom and truth.
The good thing? Now I get to fall in love with Him all over again, and find out again how He feels about all of us. And how incredible is that?
Today was a ridiculous day.
I turned up for my day of teaching, expecting the normalnormal with Crofty - currently, systematic theology. Nothing like wrestling the big questions for a bit of a brain stretch. But NO. More than half of our Soul61 crew have gone to south-east Asia for a fortnight, so the syllabus has been placed on hold, and Crofty had us doing what he termed 'exercises'. He gave us 15 minutes to prepare a 20-minute bible study (passage of our choice - I went for the Sermon on the Mount) and then chose two of us to lead the aforementioned studies. I was one of the (unwilling) victims, chosen because I've never before led a bible study. And was silly enough to admit that. In all honesty, I've rarely come across them. Growing up, I was never much encouraged to read my bible, but even since I fell in love with Jesus, I've found the bible study to be a rare beast. The few I have encountered have registered in memory only as awkward affairs, partly out of my introvert-terror of being put on the spot, partly because they've just been awkward.
The twist in this first exercise was Crofty's surprise ingredient: he gave each person in the group a role to play - new Christian, angry guy, the silent type, the girl who's obsessed with relationships, the super-spiritual guy, etc., etc... It was in this environment that I had to lead my first ever Bible study. It was a challenge, to say the least. One guy was so determined to lead the discussion away from anything useful that he asked if I thought Jesus would have used Twitter. (Cue the joke, 'It depends how many followers He had...' Haha.) The consolation I was offered was that no future bible study I lead will ever be that bad. Please Jesus.
After that, Crofty then gave us 20 minutes to write a 7 minute talk on how to give a bible study, and picked two of us at random to give our talks. I have honestly never thought so hard about the practicalities of studying the bible. I like to plop it open and see what I can learn, or pick a book and study that, or drift through Psalms, or spend time in the gospels, or the letters, or... Wherever. I love the Bible. A lot. I love being taken by surprise by some fresh revelation to which Daddy opens my eyes. It is a rich and beautiful text, and one which I will turn to all my days. There is comfort and truth and promise and hope there, as well as things to grapple and wrestle with. And I believe that that is okay. We are not mindless automatons, who blindly accept all that is placed in front of us. We are called to love our God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength, and part of loving Him with our mind is about engaging with His word and working through the hard stuff. No one ever said this was easy.
This might be a bit rambly, but there are thoughts I need to get out of my head so I might just write for a bit whilst I'm waiting for my laptop to finish charging the last 1% so that I can unplug the thing and put it all away and go to bed without worrying about accidentally setting us all on fire and killing us all as we sleep. By this time of night, my logic-filter is all but asleep so accidental fire becomes a genuine fear, and it seems more sensible to sit here on the sofa and type than to actually go to bed and sleep.
I have been feeling for a while now that something is missing. For a while, it felt like my husband was missing and I should have met him by now. That feeling went away for a while, but recently it has come a-creeping back whilst I have been steadfastly trying to ignore it. It seems like sin to believe that Daddy is not enough for me. I get lonely and have such a longing for a best friend, and to admit out loud that I'm not having that need met by Jesus has been a shade too vulnerable. I've not wanted to admit it even to myself. Today, however, I had a chat with one of the wisest women I have had the fortune to meet. We teased out how I think about God; more specifically, how I relate to the three persons of the Godhead. We established that I have a chatty and beautiful relationship with God the Father - I love how I can run to Him with anything, big or small, and know that in Him, I am safe. I have a LOT of fun with God the Holy Spirit - the gifts He brings to my life are a wonder and a blessing. Moving in the prophetic, praying for healing, seeing people be set free as I invite Him to move... I love those things. Completely and utterly. But where does Jesus fit in to that? On an intellectual level, I know who He is and what He did and what that means.
[At least, I know in some measure. I'm still learning and learning and I thirst for knowledge, but the more I learn, the more I realise I don't know.]
I know that Jesus is redeemer and friend, Lord and King of my life, prince of peace, and the most perfect man to ever walk the earth. He was and is entirely human and entirely God and He became the perfect sacrifice. I know that in His name, there is freedom. Against Him, nothing can stand. And yet, I do not have a relationship with Him. I love Him completely, but I have somehow placed Him in a box. And that is why I am lonely. There are challenges with people and community, yes. And yes, I have a longing for a husband and children. But the heart-deep ache that characterises the days I am walking is not about singleness. It is about missing Him. I am in love with Him without really knowing who He is. Without really understanding that He loves me. Relationship with Daddy and Holy Spirit is not enough, for no one can get to the Father except through Jesus.
The wise woman with whom I spoke today told me that it would be a tragedy for me to have a man in my life in this particular season. This season is for Jesus and me, and He is calling me. That is the call I must heed, and He is the one on whom I must focus. This year of Soul61 is a unique one, and the focus must be on Him. The rest will come.
linked with Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary
